Man and woman in love, kiss kiss, hug tightly, let nature take its course, then marriage.
Procreation, due to love chemicals in your brain, oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, youth and attractiveness, no thoughts about anything else, just that heady feeling of being in love, and their feeling the same way…kismet! Historically, that was the deal, as social mores went, and it was natural to go w that feeling, as being enough, to engage in marriage and procreation.
Except it wasn’t enough, and this becomes clearer over time, that that heady love mutually satisfied by lovemaking is not the end all and be all that u need in order 4 marriage to work. Marriage is supposed to be 4 the long haul, w no one else, just u and him, locked 4ever, enslaved to one another, even when the chemicals subside, and they do. Interesting word in Spanish: esposa means both wife and handcuff! Do u see the connection? Like in English, ball & chain!
Well, as time goes on, u recognize that that initial feeling is gone, and u r diverging, and your values and important life goals do not coincide. One partner takes control over the other, and makes it anywhere from uncomfortable to hellish. And here comes that beautiful baby, that gives u hope 4 the future, thinking the baby will bring u closer, because it is a new life brought forth, sharing of the lovemaking. A blessing, a goal achieved, even if the values and lifestyle r already diverging.
In the USA, where I live, the mainstream population may fall into this pattern even now, thinking being in love is the ticket, and happily ever after…but all too often, u will find that people r not living up to their full potential, as in educational achievement on the way to a stable, prosperous job/career, and being a good choice 4 a mate, as in your children will not be condemned to a life of want, poverty, poor health, bad or even insufficient food, shacks and vans instead of condos and well constructed houses. The disparity today is even more wide than in years past, w the rich getting exponentially richer, and the poor merely arriving by the 1000’s daily to our teeming shores, because of that same want and poverty that drove them from their homes of origin.
And the citizens of the USA, and permanent residents, they too r at risk of being duped into the “love is all u need” paradox made famous by a Beatles song. The lack of education, of self awareness, of wisdom, and the intensity of the feelings, they all work together to create poor and severely bad marriages, and consequently, maladaptive children as well. Multiply this by millions of people here, and u can see “we have a problem, Houston.” – Jack Swigert, Apollo 13 NASA quote, 1970. Millions of children growing up in homes where money is scarce, resources needed, and not provided, values not shared, arguments becoming violent, domestic violence ensuing, and the lure of easy money by criminal activity. When u do not achieve money by good old fashioned hard work, and preceding a good education, that leads to such jobs, the alternatives become inviting, to a point where poverty = criminal enterprises = jail or death, prematurely. Of course u might choose to beg, or emigrate illegally, taking your chances that u will find some rainbow in another land, but that’s just a mirage.
Millions of people just succumb to that feeling, and live w it, no matter how much it sucks later. Mostly, they stay if the money coming in is legally obtained, and stable. They no longer feel that rush of the initial attraction, and may have long since given up sex, due to boredom, lack of libido, physical issues of declining blood flow as we age…u name it. They stay because the money is stable and they know what they have now. But when u don’t achieve that pinnacle of middle class lifestyle, and your future is all whether u spend your life in an orange jumpsuit, up at 5:30am to work a job for pennies an hour…or just lose it all, in a single gunshot from an angry person who lost his way in life.
The good of this is u might take your childhood trauma from badly matched parents and channel it into creativity…becoming a musician, a writer, a comedian. Many occupations result from childhood emotional trauma actually. The best entertainers often have the best stories and anecdotes, but they r often borne from internalized pain. When u study movies, TV, Broadway shows for material, u start to see that the traumas have metastasized into art, which is a worthy cause, giving your internal pain some meaning. Like how your parents didn’t accept u as is, how they wanted u to be, no matter what u wanted…u had no voice, just a mini-me, treated as an automaton effectively, and u rebelled at that! Of course u did! What other option was there?!
And the cycle starts over again, as u move on, get the hell out of your damned parents’ house, and their lousy marriage, that fucked u up totally, so that u need psychotherapy and a virtual lobotomy to understand and correct…if u can. And then u fall in love, and forget everything contained herein, because u didn’t get a proper education when u were young. And no thought as to whether u and your lady friend have the stuff u need to determine if u have the right stuff to stick it out over the long haul. And repeat this cycle over the eons, as it’s easy to get caught up in that bright musical tune pumping: “I Saw Her Standing There,” – The Beatles, originally 1963. “My heart went boom!” Except u live to regret it, as u watch the detritus pile up in mentally ill children, unable or unwilling to seek treatment, who become mentally ill adults, who do not learn, don’t achieve, and keep making babies…
And BTW, the Mafia isn’t restricted to Italians either. They exist in many major ethnic enclaves all over the world. And it’s a symptom of this cycle too. Can u dig it, people?! I broke the cycle by not marrying, and not having children. And am I happy? Yeah, occasionally I am. And that’s enough 4 me. I write, therefore I am. So my words will exist after my exit. I am one of the millions of people who survived a bad marriage of my parents, trauma, of many types, and lived to tell about it. I am glad to not inflict my damage on another person, especially not one as fraught as my theoretical child. I think I made sense of my situation, w hard work, but some symptoms remain, and maladaptive coping is in there too. At least I remind myself that prophecy is fulfilled in these words from Luke 23: 28-29: “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep for yourselves and for your children. For the time will come when you will say, ‘Blessed are the barren women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!'” It is a paradox as written back then, in the ancient times, because women have always been valued for their childbearing ability. Jesus Himself said this quote, and it is coming true in this Apocalypse we r either in, or r approaching. One day soon, also, the living will envy those who r dead before them, because when all hell breaks loose, it will be bad for those who r still alive. Picture no jobs, no law, no food or water, just guns and crazy people all over, like a Zombie Apocalypse!
Yup, I see it. But don’t listen to me; I am just another educated lunatic who writes and takes pictures all day long. Counting our days off…as California burns, and Louisiana and Texas flood.
marshaenewman 