At War Within

Self imposed limitations by intense past childhood dysfunction in family

Dealt with by spiritual revelation, by calling, to another faith: accomplished by instructions in the Catholic religion, December 1985, aged 21 then.

Still very much incorporated into her being, with both gratitude and also anger.

Gratitude for multiple blessings, anger for intense solitude, sometimes more than she can bear. It’s called loneliness, and it is a risk factor for early death, when not dealt with effectively.

She deals by connection with some wonderful friends, and while that is healthful, and beneficial to all concerned, plus supplementation by social media, going out, meeting friends…making plans, doing good for humanity, praying, daily, going to local church…

Still suppression is a daily part of her life. She keeps silent, for the greater good, a truth which gnaws at her, in every waking hour, before bed nightly, and verbalizing each morning. She prays, and knows that that which is good for her will be provided by her

Loving God. But she is impatient, lonely, pursuing hobbies, doing good for friends and society, coordinating travel plans. And the silence is deafening. So loud it shatters calm tranquility in the lovely home she once shared with her mother, now going on 3 years passed.

How long must she wait, for this fruition of the spirit to meet the flesh?? The anger is suppressed too, only coming out infrequently, when she dares to voice it. The love of a lifetime waits and waits and waits…But her body and spirit wither in the interminable ecstasy of not having that which is so needed.

She may have to do things contrary to her spiritual calling, in answer to this anger. And realizes that the religion is not answering her needs now, and the God she fervently prays to does not provide the answer she seeks daily. Maybe it is not in His power? Maybe individual will trumps God’s will, and the results are legion in the many who suffer in this life. When we go against what the Lord wants for us, we risk punishment, suffering, as He wants only what is best for our spiritual development.

But the flesh is weak, and demanding. And she will go for whatever route is open to her, because the anger is very strong. As is the desire. She will have her own will, by some route yet to be seen. She cannot go on this way interminably.


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